7 compelling questions to ask yourself about internal resistance
If left to their own devices, our brains usually default to asking us some truly terrible questions. Here's how to ditch them and what to ask instead.
The good news is, our brains are really good at finding answers.
The bad news is, they often ask really shitty questions.
This is particularly true when it comes to situations that seem mysteriously unresolvable, like internal resistance. If you spend a lot of your time struggling to work on something you also care about, your brain will very likely start asking you things like, What’s wrong with me? Why am I so screwed up? Why can’t I be more disciplined? Why can’t I just do it? What if I can never do it? What if I stay broken forever?
Even if you don’t recognise these specific questions, you’ve probably had versions of them if you’re reading this article. There are two super important things to notice about them.
First, they all have a default answer, which is some version of ‘I suck’. What’s wrong with me? Well, that would be how much I suck. Why am I so screwed up? See previous answer re: sucking. Why can’t I be more disciplined? Well, for that I would have to suck less. What if I stay broken forever? I’ll just go on sucking, which is likely because of how I’m defined by my suckingness.
Can you feel how profoundly demotivating these questions are? Consider: what emotion do you feel when you read them? If you’re anything like me, thinking ‘Why am I so screwed up?’ unleashes a tangle of anxiety, frustration and hopelessness. These questions aren’t just demotivating in terms of finding a way to understand internal resistance or help yourself to get work done. They are demotivating about the whole experience of being you. They basically imply you that you will be broken forever unless you can do this work, which, by the way, you can’t. Because, remember: you suck.
Here’s the second thing I want you notice.
We ask ourselves these questions under the mistaken idea that they will help.
It makes sense that we think this, given our brains’ negativity bias and the self-critical tendencies of most high achievers. When we genuinely don’t know why something is happening, our brains happily fill in the vacuum with all our usual thoughts about how bad we are.
And once we default to that I-suck answer, we are desperate to pinpoint what’s wrong with us, so we can figure out how to be better. If we’re harsh and demanding enough with ourselves—like by asking questions along the lines of How did you wind up sucking so much?—then maybe we can face how bad we really are and goad ourselves into finally being better.
But this approach has the polar opposite effect. Remember how reading those questions felt? Anxiety, frustration and hopelessness do not galvanize you to take action on something that scares you; they galvanize you to go the fuck back to bed.
And that’s why it’s time to ask better questions instead.
Seven compelling questions
There are a gazillion questions better than the various versions of Why do I suck so bad? listed above. Honestly, you’d get better motivation from asking yourself what you had for dinner last night than any of those bullshit questions.
But here are seven that I have found really powerful in motivating my clients and myself.
What actions have I already taken to advance or create this project?
What evidence can I find in my life that I have the skills and commitment to do this work?
What could I do in the next five minutes to advance this project?
What is one single next action could I take to advance this project?
How could I make this work easier for myself?
How could I make this work more fun for myself?
Why is right now—today—the absolute perfect time to do a bit of work on this?
Notice how different asking these questions feels from something like Why do I keep screwing up?’
For one thing, rather than all having the same ‘Because I suck’ default answer, these are actually open questions. And that means they wake up that part of you that is curious and drawn to working out real answers to real questions. They bring your strategising, experimenting and pragmatic brain out from under the covers and put it to work. They offer a chance to feel engaged, calm, and interested, instead of anxious, frustrated and helpless.
Don’t be alarmed if when you start to work with these questions, your brain really wants to default to the old bullshit demotivating roundup. You’ve worn some grooves in your brain with those questions, and that’s not a problem. The goal isn’t to silence those thoughts, but to turn up the volume on these new questions and make room for different answers.
When your brain asks But are you SURE it’s not just because we suck? you can respond, Well, how about we just try it this new way for a bit and see what happens?
That question itself will reinforce your access to that other, interested aspect of your brain. And when you take the ‘you suck’ answer off the table, you’ll be astonished how much curiosity, energy and originality your brain will start to offer you instead.
The you that can shift your internal resistance is already in there. You don’t need to get unbroken or become some magic non-sucking person to get access to the version of you brain that can do this work. Just create a little bit of space with these questions, and watch what happens.
I’m a coach, an academic and a writer. Contact me at info@janeelliottphd.com. You can join my waiting list for individual coaching here.